Sharing yourself with others is one of the key ingredients to building strong relationships in the family. Honest communication is especially important with teens. Sooner or later children discover that parents are not infallible - and they might as well learn it from us. Fortunately, we are moving away from the model of the strong, silent, uncommunicating parent in our culture.
Our relationship with the Lord Himself is not based primarily on His authority as God, but on His love for us. The same thing is true in our relationship with a youngster. We know that we have authority as parents and the children also know who is boss, but love should be the primary building block in the home.
A loving relationship is the oil which makes that authority tolerable and even welcomed in the family. When the teenager recognizes that his parents are really human beings and have flaws just like everybody else, he can relax and feel affirmed in that. If we are open and share this with our children, it helps a great deal.
Of course, the most important relationship in the home is that between the husband and wife, followed by that between parents and children. The kids should never become more important than the spouse! As parents, we need to model a loving relationship of husband and wife. Even when the kids know they are second to that wife or husband, they respect this. When they marry someday, they will remember their parents' relationship and use it as a model for their own lives.
Sharing also needs to begin with the parents, since they are the role models and set the example for the family. When teens see this willingness to share and be vulnerable, they are more likely to follow suit and begin to share. Try to open the channels of loving communication in your home.
Too often, parents seem to be more frightened of their children than the kids are of their parents. The kids realize this, and use it as a whip for torture. That's wrong.
I don't believe that we should treat children as peers when they are in their mid-teens, but the older they get, the more they should recognize that we see and enjoy them as friends, as well as children. Of course, there are some intimate and confidential things parents should not share with their children, but most matters can be shared with the entire family.
A practical way I found to begin opening up and sharing with my children was to have dates with them. Have a private meeting or get a hamburger together. Ask them what's happening and where they're at in their lives. (If I were doing things over, I would spend a lot more time with my children on a one-to-one basis. We did profitable things as a family, but I didn't have as good a one-to-one relationship as I wish I would have had.)
Schedule these special dates on your calendar. Be sure to listen intently to what your children's needs are. Unfortunately, I set the agenda and it was my meeting. I am a strong person and I think I tended to overpower my kids.
Whenever possible, I think parents can work on communicating fresh interest in the things the kids want to talk about. Let them know that if it is important to them, you are interested in hearing it.
I remember back when if what my kids had to say didn't interest me too much, I would open a book and read. I would barely listen to them. If it was interesting, I would drop the book and they knew that I was really interested.
When we are interested, we listen closely. Be careful not to communicate to your children that you are bored. The listening ear is really important for kids. Why should they be vulnerable and risk opening up to someone who doesn't seem interested?
Too often, kids get the impression that they are second-class citizens. Parents tend to give much more attention to the guests in their home than to their own children. In some way we must let them know that they are the most important people in our lives. They will never forget that.
One example of something I shared with my teens that made a real difference in their lives was when we decided to love from the Midwest to California. My decision to change careers and to bring them to an entirely different environment was a family decision. We let the kids help us decide whether or not to move, and I think being part of the decision-making process meant a great deal to them. They knew they were a direct influence on the family decision and shared in the responsibility.
Start good communication patterns in your home by being vulnerable and by modeling a sharing attitude. Watch how teens reciprocate.
Dr. Ted Engstrom served as President of Youth for Christ/USA from 1957-1963. He went home to be with the Lord in 2006. Reprinted from Parents and Teenagers, Jay Kesler, General Editor, Youth for Christ/USA, 1984.
